Send the right message - Use MAIL

  Calming emotions to create the conditions for resolving conflict. 

Calming emotions

When someone is upset with you, chances are they are feeling that you don't care about them or that you don't care about something that is important to them. In this state, there is also a very good chance that cortisol and adrenaline are racing through their system. When this is the case, rational, logical thinking is compromised. 

To resolve the situation, you must restore calm. To do that, you need to demonstrate that you do care about them or that you care about what is important to them. How do you do that? The answer is, send a MAIL message. MAIL is an acronym for:

Mutual aim - identify what it is that you both want, what goal is it that you share? For example, "We both want for you to be happy" or, "We both want to trust each other."

Apology - if you have done something that has caused harm, offer a sincere apology.

Intentions - clarify your intentions; what is it that you don't intend and what is that you do intend.

Listen - Use CARE to listen which includes clarifying your understanding of the other person's concerns, assuring statements that you care, rephrasing their statements in your own words or reframing the meaning you attached to the facts and encouraging the other party to continue to talk. 

When you use MAIL messages, you can create the right conditions for a meaningful conversation.  You might have to use several MAIL messages in succession, but it will be worth the effort. 

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Books by Dr. Daoust

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